Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
