do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
