YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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