if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
