she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
His nipple licking is glorious
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