I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
