Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
