Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
