I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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