i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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