Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
only you would photoshop your dick
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
