Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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