Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
