I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
