My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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