I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
