She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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