There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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