my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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