I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Couch. On fire.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize