Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
