Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just want to make out with him forever
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
