I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
