wrigley field is MILF paradise
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
we made out on top of his cat.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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