Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
