just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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