I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
