I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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