You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
