This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
