I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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