glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
