I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I skipped work to stalk him.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
