you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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