My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
