ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
