you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
