It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize