i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I love having hate sex.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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