So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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