I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
