just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
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