were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
