The maid of honor just puked.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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