youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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