I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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