Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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