Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize