In the future we'll all be gay
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
