So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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