He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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