I want to walk on stilts...naked
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
