Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
