Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
