When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
