I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
