I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
