Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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