i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize