How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
