the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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