Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
