I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize